First Day of Kindergarten!!

Matthew had his first official day of Kindergarten today...well an hour at least. Tomorrow is the first full day. He did great today, loved it. He did an art project, a writing project, and then played with clay and puzzles. Tomorrow he is excited because it is pizza day in the cafeteria. His teacher is so young, but nice. I think he will have a great year! Hope all the kiddos have a good year. And for the record...I only had to fight back tears once today. Some weird things to chat about on another day regarding some of the paperwork we had to do and policies. Save it for a day less happy!

Sixth Wedding Anniversary!

On August 26, 2000 we said our vows. You would think this day would be forever etched into our minds, right? Well, we both totally forgot our anniversary this year. Oops. We have just had so much going on is the excuse I will stick with. I have decided to pick up shifts with a local "nursing pool" making the big bucks, and planning my own hours. If I want to work 40-80 hours this week and take the next 2 weeks off....no problem. Henry left the job he was doing and is focusing on our apartment complex as we have two apartments coming up with vacancies. And with Matthew starting school Thursday (woot!) we are so hectic trying to get a few clothes and backpack and lunchbox. The kid only needed a couple shirts....he has more clothes than 10 kids that is for sure. Gotta love Once Upon a Child....I got brand new Gap jeans and shirts for $2 on their summer clearance. Wooohoooo. So, hubby....Happy belated Anniversary!

Sunday Six~I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!

Welcome to Sunday Six, brought to us by the slightly tardy Kelly, this week is all about being late and forgetful. Hey, that describes my husband to a tee! Answers provided by Matthew (age 5.5) only after convincing him he couldn't wait until tomorrow or else he himself would be late. Hmm...What a coincidence.

1. What does it mean to forget?
~~Forget a toy that you want to bring to a store, a hat-Pirates of the Caribbean hat. I wish there were a few right answers and a few wrong. I hope we're almost up to number 9.

2. What does it mean to be late?
~~Means you're always late for the school bus and school-thanks Daddy! (OK, he's never been on a school bus, but yes, Dad frequently did make him late last year!)

3. Why do people forget things?
~~Because they always forget things all the time. (Thanks for clearing that up!)

4. Why are people late sometimes?
~~Because they are always late-like my dad he's always late all the time (oh so true!)

5. Who is usually late, Mommy or Daddy?
~~Ummm-Daddy, but he's my best Dad in the whole world and all the planets except Pluto. I just want to blow Pluto up. (OK, our talk about Pluto no longer being a planet went completely awry! Huh?)

6. Did you forget something?
~~Yeah, like a toy and money and somedays I lose it! (The toy or his brain?)

There you have it. Let me know if you played...and of course Kelly!

Pulling out my hair!

<------------This is exactly how I have felt all day. My son is driving me to drink..heavily! All day with the fresh mouth, name calling, destroying his room, pulling his sheets off the bed, tearing coloring books apart. Well, I resorted to something I hate, but after reading and reading and reading from a Christian based child rearing magazine....I followed their recommendations and resorted to spanking, which I hate. He would come out of his room and yell "I hate you, you dork!" I would calmly follow him back to his room and tell him it was unacceptable and swat his butt. This went on relentlessly. I stayed in his room for an hour tonight FORCING.HIM.TO.CLEAN.HIS.PIGSTYE! Every few seconds he would utter something fresh and I would pop him on the behind. But once it was almost clean? He starts saying, "Look how good I'm doing...I'm doing so good!" And was proud of his accomplishments. When is this going to get easier (Mom, stop laughing I can hear you 2000 miles away!)

Sunday Six~School Days!

Brought to us every week by the talented Kelly, this week is all about back to school. Ahhh, that day is quickly approaching for Matthew to start Kindergarten...and I can't wait! Come on August 31st!!

1. What are school supplies?
~~School supplies is homework, right?

2. Who usually buys the school supplies?
~~The teachers

3. What do you carry your supplies in?
~~Mmmm.....mmmm....I don't know.

4. Do you take your lunch to school?
~~Yeah, but maybe someday I'l start kindergarten and bring
my own lunch and pick-up all by myself, like the others.

5. What is your favorite school book?
~~Like...let me think for a while...Wait, Thomas the Train
and Spiderman Secret Mission with Wolverine, Spidergirl,
but not the Incredible Hulk.

6. Do you have a backpack? If so, what does it look like?
~~MMmmmm...I just want...yeah, I'm going to replace my
old one with a new one like Cars with a special lunchbox.

I think we are in the best school in the state....we have no supplies list. The school provides everything, and if they start to run low during the year, THEN they ask for parents to bring things in. How cool is that? And it is 100% free, except for hot lunches. Wow...that must be why our taxes in CT are so damn high!!

Fug Thursday!

This is my first ever Fug Thursday...brought to us by Kami, it is designed to expose the fashion disasters of the world one picture at a time. I have never been brave enough to snap a Fug, seeing as how I don't have a camera phone just my regular digital camera. But, this past weekend at the Animal Planet Expo I was able to grab these two shots while waiting in line for the bounce house for Matthew. Now, come on, you can't expect us to believe she didn't know these shorts were too little when she put them on. Just plain yuck. Did you play? Let Kami and me know!

Animal Planet Expo 2006

We went to the Animal Planet Expo 2006 on Sunday...then headed to the lake. The Expo was, umm, interesting. Not what we expected, and overly crowded. Dogs and Cats were welcome on leashes, so Matthew had a good time seeing all the dogs and a few cats. Almost all the owners who saw him looking at their dog, or heard him say their dog was pretty would invite him to pet their dog, which he LOVED. I wish we could have pets, but as superintendents of the apartment complex, we would look seriously bad if we suddenly got an animal (and the owner would throw a hissy fit!) There were lots of individual booths, but everything, EVERYTHING had a LONG line. Matthew loved the Gator Bouncer and the regular Bounce House. We saw some exotic animals, and went through the Humane Society bus and saw some beautiful stray cats awaiting adoption (again, would have loved to bring them home!). Here are some pics of the day....if it is coming to your city, I would recommend it simply because it is free and the kids enjoy it. Had it been a charge to get in, I am not so sure I would recommend it!

Gator Bouncer and Slide...he loved this!

Entrance Sign

High Definition Theatre Event...hubby wants one

of their 50+ inch plasma TV's...dream on.

Entrance Arch

Entering the Gator Bouncer

Tunxis Plantation Country Club...adjacent to

the Farmington Polo Grounds where the Expo

was held.

Rock climbing wall....so totally lied to Matthew

and told him he had to be 7 to do this. I was not

ready to see my baby harnessed up and climbing!

These cute signs were at each bouncer to make

sure the kids entering were the same size. Big

kids one way, little kids another. They took turns

on which group went into the bouncer each time.

Build an Animal...he declared this to be for babies!

Humane Society bus...had lots of cute cats for adoption!

I also got brave and snapped my first ever fug! I don't have a camera phone, so I have never been brave enough to snap a pic with my regular camera. Today, I got lucky and in line for the bounce house found myself 2 people behind a great fug. I sucked it up and snapped 2 quick pics, so I will be able to play my first ever Fug Thursday this week. Oh boy, there were LOTS of fugable things, but only captured one. Can't wait. After the expo, we headed to Lake Hayward for a few hours with our friends. Matthew and Murphy had a great time swimming, and I relaxed in my comfy beach chair and read a book. Matthew was wiped out and was in bed by 8pm, unheard of for my little night owl! Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Sunday Six~Higher Learning!

Brought to us every week by Kelly, this week she is preparing to send her baby off to Kindergarten (and so am I, gasp!) so we're gonna talk about higher education! Answers brought to us by Matthew, age 5.5 yrs.

1. What is college?
~~College is a place where you hang out and ride skateboards.
It's a cool thing to do, like Nike. (What?)

2. What are the names of some colleges?
~~I don't know.

3. Is a college the same thing as a university?
~~No.

4. What is a major?
~~Major is some danger.

5. What do people do in college?
~~They just hang out and do a lot of questions.
Cuz I did way to many questions, and I know planes
crash far far away in pluto. (all righty then.)

6. Do you want to go to college and if so, where?
~~No. (Too bad buddy!)

Well, I obviously need to be discussing this weeks topic with Matthew more, as it appears he knows nothing about college! Except #5...they do just sorta hang out and answers questions!
Happy Sunday Six....let me know (and Kelly) if you played! We are headed to the Animal Planet Expo 2006 for a few hours and then to the lake today. Enjoy!

SPF-Titles, Titles, Titles!

This week we are mixing it up a little bit. I’m giving you titles and you take a picture that goes with it. I know you’re all going to need me to walk you through this, so PAY ATTENTION, read my examples. Hey, you in the back…you’re not reading, you’re skimming…don’t make me pull out my ruler!

1. Song Title: Example: “Stairway to Heaven” = your stairs. “Hot Legs” = duh. “Back in Black”=something in black. “My Humps”= do I really have to explain this?

2. Book Title: Example:“Moby Dick”= hee hee. I couldn’t resist. “Misery” = your laundry pile or something that makes you miserable. “Green Eggs and Ham” = Breakfast? the contents of my fridge?

3. Movie Title: Example: “Planes, Trains & Automobiles” =pick one. “Shrek”=a picture of my ex-husband (*giggle*, shut up, he reads my blog) “Princess Diaries” = Your kids/animals secret stash/hiding place

Song Title:

Song Title: T-R-O-U-B-L-E....by some country artist that escapes my memory right now. This is Matthew at a little over a year old. EATING.DIRT. My MIL was watching him so closely!

Book Title:

Book Title: Unexpected Blessings by Barbara Taylor Bradford. Matthew was not a planned pregnancy, but he is the ultimate blessing in my life!

Movie Title:

Movie Title: Gone in 60 Seconds. That is exactly how I feel is infancy went...and wish I could get some of it back! He is 1 week old here, and I truly forget how sleep deprived I was and would go back in a heartbeat!

This was my very first attempt at SPF...let me kno what you think. And let Kristine know if you played!

Son of a....

Oh holy hell. How do you know when it is time to get rid of some of your clothes? When your frickin' walk-in closet decides to implode. I had just put all of my scrapbooking stuff on the shelf and it pulled out of the wall. Scrapping stuff EVERYWHERE. SOB. Like I wasn't having enough fun trying to put away laundry....now I can't put anything in my closet until hubby fixes it. Damn. This has just been a great day. PHhhhhttt.

Sunday Six-Spice it Up!

Brought to us by the ever spicy Kelly, this week is all about spice baby (Why in the hell did those damn Spice Girls singing just pop into my head???) Anyhoo, questions were answered by Matthew, age 5.5.

1. What is a spice?
~~Thing that you do anything with-Is that correct?

2. Do you like things that are spicy?
~~No.

3. Name some foods that are spicy.
~~Like, I don't know-like cockroaches they are hot (WTF?),
Sometimes lemons are too juicy and do this to my face (makes horrible puckered face).

4. Which is better, sugar or spicy?
~~Sugar-I like chocolate, it's not too spicy!

5. Can spicy food make you cry?
~~Nah-big boys don't cry mudder, you should know better (Alrighty then).

6. What is not spicy?
~~Chocolate of course, duh.

So there you have it. The world of spices according to Matthew. Did you play?

What do you love about someone....a challenge!

On her blog, Katie challenges us to come up with 101 things we love about someone in our life. Kind of a twist on the 100 things about me questionare thingy magiger. I decided to do this on the strongest, most influential person in my life. After this post the other day, rambling about the problems with the relationship with my Dad, I decided Mom deserved top billing. She is the ultimate mom, and I will list 101 reasons why I can't help but love her.

1. Obviously she gave birth to me!
2. She gave me my brother Adam.
3. She protected us from the mean side of Dad.
4. She made sure we had a good relationship with our Grandparents.
5. She took the time to cook us home made meals when we were little.
6. She made sure education was a priority.
7. She refereed the atrocious fights between my brother and I.
8. She fought to keep us together as a family after the divorce-fought hard.
9. She worked her tail off to provide for our family.
10. She would do without things for herself to provide for us.
11. She went more years than I can count without a new pair of jeans so we could always have
new school clothes.
12. She made sure that we made it to all of our baseball and softball games on time.
13. She taught me (is still teaching me via phone) how to cook some of my fav dishes.
14. She always always always has time to talk when I have something on my mind.
15. She never judged me when I called to tell her I was pregnant at 25.
16. She never made a comment about my hubby being 12 years older than I am.
17. She helped me work through my horrible rough spell in college.
18. She bailed me out of tight spots way too many times.
19. She never stopped loving me.
20. She never stopped caring.
21. She never withheld affection even when she coulda.
22. She let me continue to bring her fresh lilacs from the bush even though she was allergic
(she coulda told me!)
23. She let me pick her peonies and leave them for her even though it put ants all over her
kitchen cabinet!
24. Every Christmas she would make chocolate chip cookies with us while we watched "Rudolph
the Red Nose Reindeer".
25. She made sure we had relationships with all of her brothers and sisters-all 6 of them.
26. She made sure we got to spend time with all our cousins....dozens.
27. Even when she moved from KS to Iowa my freshman year in college, she made sure I was
able to visit as often as I wanted.
28. When I bombed out my freshman year in college, she told me to keep my chin up and do
better.
29. When I decided to switch colleges after my first semester, she supported my decision.
30. She always always listened when I had so many tears trying to figure out why my Dad
didn't love me.
31. She never showed jealousy when I fell in love with my Dad's new son (I was 14)
32. She tried more times than I can count to teach me to golf.
33. She supported my high school volleyball team.
34. She supported my high school basketball team.
35. She went against my step-father's wishes to come to a basketball game instead of spending
time with just him all because she had a "feeling" I would need her.
36. That was the game that I started varsity for the first time.
37. That is also the game when I blew out my knee.
38. She rode in the ambulance with me to the ER, and kept me smiling during the tests.
39. She believed me when others didn't believe anything was wrong with my knee.
40. She stayed with me through all the subsequent scans and surgery.
41. She gave me the most amazing step-father in the world.
42. She made sure Kelly (step-dad) and I had multiple times to try to bond.
43. She never gave up when I tried to push Kelly out of my life....she knew we would work
it out.
44. She gave me a great step-brother, Ryan.
45. She makes sure that we make it home for visits as often as we can.
46. She makes sure our visits home are spent equally between both sides of the famiy, without
being jealous.
47. She let me spend a few days in Long Island with her while she was working....got to hang out.
48. She tried to pass her clean gene on to me.
49. She teaches me so much about computers...it's her career after all.
50. She always has a shoulder to cry on when I lose a family member, even on the other side.
51. She helped me stay strong when my uncle/her brother died.
52. She made sure I got to spend time with my uncle before cancer took him (Miss ya Uncle
Mike!)
53. She is so close to her family that she is a great role model.
54. She didn't laugh when I applied to nursing school like some family members.
55. She let me move back home during my last few months of nursing school due to financial
disasters brought on by myself.
56. She bailed me out of said disasters and taught me lessons at the same time.
57. She always made sure we had great pets.
58. She helped me practice my softball pitching so often. Didn't do any good! LOL
59. She believed me when I was suspended my freshman year in high school that I didn't
do what was being said...and followed through until it was proved.
60. She taught me the value of working for what you believe in.
61. She helped me survive my first heart break.
62. She helped me work through my Grandmothers (dad's mom) death.
63. She made me realize that Grandma loved me more than a lot of people, and unconditionally.
64. She understood when my father wouldn't come to my graduation party, instead he made
me leave my party and come to a small one with his side of the family (and she made me
understand that it was HIS problem, not something I did.)
65. She refrained from saying bad things about my dad, so as to not tarnish our image of
him as a child.
66. She still bites her tongue when it comes to him, saying it is not her place to judge him.
67. She's such a mom like that, and I love her for it.
68. But she'll let me vent away and get the anger and hurt off my chest.
69. She helped take care of me after all 5 of my knee surgeries that happened in KS.
70. She even dragged me to the fireworks July 4th, when I had surgery 7/3 just because I
didn't want to miss them.
71. Even though we were both grown, she let me drag her to World's of Fun amusement park.
72. When I begged to go to the Senior Prom my freshman year, she gave in.
73. When step-brother threatened to beat up date to said prom she calmed him down.
74. She also gave in when I wanted to go the the prom my Sophomore year....even gave in on
the all night after prom party that year.
75. She let me go on my Senior trip by covering the money I was responsible for raising,
but didn't do.
76. She gave me a car my freshman year in high school so I could make it to all my
extracurricular activities.
77. She came to all the school plays I was in.
78. She supported me when I was in the Young Woman of the Year Pageant, and told me she
KNEW I would do great when I got first runner up.
79. She always included my Dad's mom in my life, because she knew no one else would.
80. She scrimped and saved to make sure I could continue my piano lessons all those years.
81. She helped me find the most gorgeous dress for the pageant and my junior prom even
when she knew money was too tight.
82. She came to the State Volleyball tournament my sophomore year and didn't make me
feel bad when I sucked.
83. She always steered me toward the friends that were true to me.
84. She loves me unconditionally.
85. She helped me makde it through my Grandfather's death my 8th grade year.
86. She used to put on featy pajamas and jump on the bed like a mad woman when my
counsin Paige came to spend the night because she knew we thought it was hilarious.
87. She always encourages me to be my best.
88. She gives me great parenting tips.
89. She misses me as much as I miss her.
90. She made sure I didn't get my heart broken by my dad at my brother's wedding.
91. She makes sure our family stays together.
92. She loves my son unbelievably.
93. She over-looked the time my freshman year that I came home drunk as a skumk from
a senior hog roast and tracked mud all the way up her cream colored staircase. (Well,
ok she woke me up before dawn practically and made me clean it up, but no lecture.)
94. She was crazy enough to chase me and some friends around town while we were cruising
and make funny faces at us til we were laughing histarically.
95. She gave us a beautiful old huge home to live in...even if we thought they were crazy to
buy it after the fire for all the renovations it needed, it turned out phenomenol.
96. She always made Christmas special, and not by over spoiling us (I gotta learn that!)
97. She let me take a job at a pharmacy my freshman year even though she had reservations.
98. She calls just to tell me she is thinking of me.
99. She can drink me under the table.
100. She trusts me enough to tell me some of her secrets.
101. She is the best mom in the world for me and my brother, the best grandma to Matthew. I
would never ever trade her for anything!

That was easy...I feel as if I could keep going. Which is definately the sign of a great MOM!! Love ya to pieces!

Kids, Heat, Car Keys...DANGER!!

I stole this link from another blog, but thought is was EXTREMELY IMPORTANT public service announcement. I don't know that I would have thought of this when Matthew was little if I had that type of keys...now that we do have remote entry he is old enough to know better...thank God. Check this out: Danger with keys.

~~~~~~

Ok, I have to get that "downer" post about my father off the top. Tired of seeing it everytime I log on, that isn't helping get over it! So....

Have you ever noticed this with your kids? If Matthew goes to the bathroom: If he poops he will put the lid down and flush. Good right? But if he just pee-pees, I CAN'T get him to flush the potty? WTF? He will still put the lid down, but flush? NOOOOO way. I despise going in to the bathroom and having urine in the toilet before I use it! Strange of me? I suppose if I just used the master bathroom everytime it would help, but he isn't famous for staying in "his" bathroom either. Whatever.

Hmmm....go figure.

Henry's first day at work was yesterday, so far so good. It is over a hundred here today, and his boss reminded him yesterday that when he gets off work he is welcome to shower in the clubhouse and use the townhouse complex swimming pool! Lucky duck.

Heavy Heart...Broken heart

**Holy cow this is long and drawn out, I apologize, this is for my own need to get this out...feel free to skip it!**

It is 3:30am and I can't sleep. I have had something fairly serious on my mind for a couple of days (well years, but even more prominent lately) and thought if I wrote about it, maybe it would help. What is it? My father. Our ever conflicted relationship (or lack of relationship) weighs heavily on my heart always, but at times it becomes impossible to shake him and our problems out of my head and ignore. It is entirely possible (but highly unlikely) that he reads this blog. I wouldn't know. I have spoken to him maybe 5 times in 6 years. So, if he reads this...so be it. I won't censor my blog to "shelter" his needs.

My parents divorced when I was 10. Dad was supposed to get us every other weekend. He lived like 2 miles away with my Grandfather at first. We (my brother and I) were lucky to see him once every couple of months. He was busy living up the single life (or, as I now know, too busy with his new girlfriend that was the final straw in my parents marriage). Once he moved in with said girlfriend (who shortly became my step-mother) his visitation was even less frequent. I didn't understand this. I was 10 for cripes sake. All I know is that my brother and I made life a living hell for my mom as we KNEW it was her fault that Dad didn't want anything to do with us. We were rotten to her. It was her fault, in our minds, that they divorced. She did something wrong we thought. Little did we know. All I know is that I missed my Dad (who in all honesty didn't really have much to do with us when they were married either, so why should it get better with the divorce?).

Fast forward a few years...Dad and step-mom had moved an hour away, brother wanted to live with Dad so badly that he made everyones lives living hell (NOT his fault, just a product of a young boy missing his father during a divorce, THOUGHT it would be great to be with Dad). Mom made the hardest decision of her life and finally let brother go live with Dad (brother has since admitted that this was a huge mistake). I don't recall visiting Dad very often then either, it was too inconvenient to drive the hour to get me. Dad and step-mom announce they are pregnant and I am so excited at the idea of a little brother/sister. I must admit that I liked my step-mother. I thought she was so cool because she was so young (put this into perspective that she is damn near close to the same age as my HUSBAND!). I couldn't wait to have a baby in the family as I have always loved babies. I was 14 when Michael was born. I loved him to pieces. It is noticed that I am spending more time with Dad and family after Michael was born. I thought it was great, but I did have to stop and think about this once a well meaning family member mentioned that of course I was able to visit more....who wouldn't want a built in babysitter on weekends. (Plus by this point I had my own car and was able to drive when he was 2) But, this didn't matter to me. I love Michael, and would have spent every minute I could with him and LOVED it....on the weekends it was almost like he was MY baby! I still love him with my whole heart.

Dad and I have had many falling outs of the years. When I changed colleges after my first year, it was the biggest mistake I could make according to him. Mom supported me whole heartedly as usual. When I applied to nursing school he laughed at me saying I wouldn't be able to handle it because I couldn't even stand to see people vomit. It has been pointed out to me that changing colleges inconvenienced him as I WAS attending college in the same town he lived in and was available to babysit frequently...but once again I didn't care. Michael was 4 by this point and meant the world to me. Over the years it became noticeable to me that there were pictures in the house of my brothers everywhere....mine were few and far between. I noticed that when I would go somewhere with them, I was introduced as Jamie, not my daughter Jamie, just Jamie. It became well known in our family that Dad had decided he was too young to have a daughter my age (especially with a new younger wife and family). He WAS young, he was only 19 when I was born. My other family members have been all too clear on the fact that Dad was pulling away from me even more because he was embarassed by me, or something to that effect. I made MANY mistakes during my teens and early twenties. My mother is the best, she stood by me through it all, loved me through it all. Dad, well, he pulled disappearing acts. Disappeared from my life, withdrew all emotional support when I needed it the most. This happened so many times I've lost count. All I know is growing up, I was constantly seeking his support. It was impossible to find. I thank God every day that my mom and the best step-father in the world were there for me, to raise me and help keep me on track.

Fast forward a few more years. I had moved half way across the country to Connecticut. Dad hadn't spoken to me since I did this. Mom and Kelly were uber supportive. (Thanks guys, I love you!). After a year, I broke down and sent him a Christmas card. He sent me one in return telling me he loved me and that he was there for me when I was ready. What that meant I wasn't (still not) sure. I flew home for my first visit in March of 1999. My grandparents held a little family gathering for that side of the family. Dad, step-mom and Michael came. Hugs, kisses, tears I thought it would be great. Step-mom and Michael wanted to hear all about my new life. Dad pretty much steared clear of me. Hurt? Of course, but unfortunately I had grown used to it. Once they left, the other family members apologized (once again) for his behavior. I brushed the tears away and let it go. I spent the remainder of the trip hanging out with my mom and Kelly and loving every minute of it.

Over the next year, I sent cards periodically to Dad. Heard nothing in return, didn't expect it though. In May of 2000, Henry and I found out we were pregnant. We had been living together over a year. Anxiously told Mom, she was excited and happy for us. Dreaded telling Dad as I knew it wouldn't be a pleasant experience. Put it off for several more months, I am sure he knew from other family members by this point. Henry and I were trying to decide whether to go ahead and get married before the baby or wait until after (it wasn't an issue of IF, but when by that point). I finally worked up enough nerve to call Dad and tell him. My announcement was greeted with such a long silence that I started crying (yeah, hormones had already started wreaking havoc on me!). He started to ask when the wedding was, before I could explain that we were trying to figure it out, he started lecturing me on how "don't you think you've put the cart before the horse on this one....kids aren't supposed to come first." I lost my temper, and said something like yeah, kinda like you and mom did huh? Oops. More silence and then he said I've gotta go is there anything else. Didn't hear from him again. Sent father's day card, Christmas card, birthday card. No response as had become the norm. We went in to have Matthew on January 8, 2001. It was the happiest day of my life. I called my family except for Dad. I didn't have any reason to believe he would care that he had become a grandpa. I knew my grandparents would tell him. On the day we came home from the hospital, when we arrived home there was a voicemail from Dad that he had heard the news, congratulations, and he WOULD CALL BACK LATER. Well, it is 5.5 years later, and I still haven't received that call. Already emotional from having a baby, I broke down and cried for hours. Poor Henry, he did his best to keep me calm and support me, but there was nothing he could do. I resigned myself to the fact that my father wanted nothing to do with his daughter or his Grandson (or son-in-law for that matter).

Over the next couple of months, I heard nothing from Dad. No calls, no cards, no email. I slowly began to build a wall (or so I fooled myself) to block out the pain. I thought I had become stronger. We went home for a vist (Henry, myself and Matthew) when he was 6 months old. My grandparents once again held a small family get together, but Dad wanted nothing to do with it. I could handle it (I told myself I could anyway) that he didn't want to see me. Fine. But to refuse to see your new innocent grandson (and meet your son-in-law) was unbelievable. My family on his side fell all over themselves apologizing for his behavior. I told them to forget it, by this point in my life I had come to expect it.

We returned home and heard nothing from him as usual. My uncle died and my brother called to tell me...I called Dad to tell him how sorry I was and get details for the wake. I asked him to call me back when the details were set so I could send a plant or something as I couldn't make it home on such short notice. He never bothered to call me back. I had to call the local flower shop in my Aunt/Uncle's town to send the plant and pray they knew when/where to send it (luckily in small town KS they of course knew). My Grandmother died 2 years ago....Dad coudln't talk to me then either. I sent him a card a few months later telling him that the estrangement between him and his mother was something that I knew had to be bothering him now that she was gone, and that I prayed we could work out our estrangement before it was too late. Never heard from him.

Went home in April 2005 for my brother's wedding. Extremely nervous to do so as I knew dad would be there. Dad didn't show for the rehearsal dinner which I know hurt my brother deeply. On the day of the wedding, I was helping get things together. Matthew was in his tux (ring bearer) and ready for pictures. I was finishing something up in the parsonage while my family in the church kept an eye on Matthew. I received word that Dad had arrived. I was so nervous I thought I was going to pass out. I entered the church, but didn't have the courage to speak to him at first. So, I walked down the aisle (like I didn't see him or my step-mom or youngest brother) to go check on Matthew and make sure he was still clean and ready for the wedding. I worked up my nerve while taking a few pics of Matthew and the flower girl playing. I walked back to where they were sitting. My step-mom gave me a big hug and said with tears in her eyes how much she had missed me. My brother gave me the biggest, tightest hug too. Dad said "That's some boy you've got there" and gave me a big hug. I tried to keep it together as we spoke for a couple minutes, but luckily I was needed in the back of the church and was able to excuse myself. Come to find out I wasn't needed, but my mom had "summoned" me to make sure I was ok. The tears were flowing at that point ( as they are as I type this). Once again Dad was just going to act like nothing had happened, like we had no problems, like everything was peachy keen. Fine, I would play the game. My aunts/uncles/cousins on his side were all very attentive to me and kept asking if I was ok, and apologizing for him as usual. At the reception, I told Dad that I would love to drive to his town during the next week and maybe spend an evening with him and the family. I was told they would be too busy...ouch. I tried to have a couple of conversations with Dad and step-mom but Dad just sort of withdrew himself from the talk. He would act disinterested (I suppose he probably was), and I finally just gave up. I did get to have some great conversations with my brother Michael, who I miss and love like crazy. Michael stayed at the reception much later than my Dad and step-mom. It broke my heart that they(Dad and step-mom) left the reception without saying good bye to me. But I think what hurt the most is that they made no effort what so ever to get to know Matthew. I have a GREAT child, one any grandparent would be proud of, but they didn't want anything to do with him. Family has pointed out that Dad thinks he is too young to be a grandfather, this would make sense as to why he didn't even spent two seconds with Matthew. Dad's siblings were falling all over themselves trying to make up for what he did. That is when I decided that I had to close off my heart to him. I couldn't continue to let his behavior rip my heart in half everytime he got close (or rather didn't get close) to me. I had to just let it go. Easier said than done. But, I am trying. I have just decided that I have a mother and step-father (who is a GREAT dad!) who love me and Matthew. Matthew is loved by them both...and loves his Grandpa and Grandma to death. So, as far as I am concerned, Matthew has grandparents...if my dad doesn't want to be his grandfather, it is HIS LOSS!

It is now a little over a year since that wedding. I have emailed my step-mother a few times, just got a casual email or two back. No big deal. Never have heard from my dad. Does it still hurt? Hell yes. Am I ever going to get over it? Probably not. Am I ever going to give up? I think I have, but there will always be a corner of my heart that holds out hope that he will come to regret not being a part of our lives and try to make ammends. I just pray it isn't too late.

Well, I hope that helps me sleep, getting that off my chest. There is so much more to the story, but that is the jist of it. Sucks huh. if you read this far, thanks for hanging with me. Off to sleep (hopefully) as it is 4:45am. Yikes. Henry starts his new job today...I pray it goes well and that he enjoys it. As for me...I am enjoying being a stay at home mom so far!